Are Wives REALLY Expected to Obey Their Husbands?

Are wives REALLY expected to obey their husbands? In Eph. 5:24, we find a scripture that by all modern standards seems very outdated and obsolete:

Ephesians 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

When is the last time you saw a wife conspicuously acting in deference and obedience to her husband? Sounds humiliating, doesn’t it? I grew up around very conservative Pentecostals, many of whom taught that women should wear head coverings, no jewelry or makeup, etc. Even as a young boy, I always thought it was contradictory that a Pentecostal woman had to dress in very humble, even primitive clothing of the plainest sort, yet her husband would sport a Brooks Brothers suit right off a 5th Avenue clothes rack. It didn’t jive with my thinking but then what did I know – I was just a kid!

Scriptures like Eph. 5:24 have been used to beat women over the head for decades and even longer. I remember counseling a young married couple who were having real problems in getting along. At a certain point, the husband, in exasperation, shouted at his wife, “Woman! Know thy place and shut thy face!” No kidding. It really happened.

In our marriage (Kitty and I), this issue never comes up. We love each other. We respect each other. We would never do anything to disparage or denigrate one another. The last thing in my mind for any reason would be to speak harshly to Kitty or to dishonor her in any way. What about your relationship? I’ve often said if the subject of submission, etc., comes up in a marriage, it’s like looking at a compound fracture with the bone sticking out of the skin. If you have that kind of strain in your relationship, I’ve got news for you – your marriage its already on the rocks.

What about submission then? Today, most teachers look at such scriptures and explain them away as applying to that day and that situation and having nothing to do with living for God now. How quaint. How convenient. If we read a verse that makes us uncomfortable – just glibly decide it isn’t for today and everybody’s off the hook. Pastors don’t like to talk about such things because they are not popular. Nonetheless, these verses and there are enough throughout scripture to deny us the privilege of ignoring them – these scriptures should be considered – if you believe the Bible is the inspired word of God.

What about Eph. 5:24 then? What does it mean to be “subject to your own husband?” Notice it says “to your own husband…” I’ve seen women more deferential and submitted to pastors, and other ministers than they are to their own husbands – and the pastors allow it because it helps them manage and control their people. What does it mean to be subject to your husband (if you have one)? If you look the word up, you will find it comes from a Greek military term meaning “to have a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden…”

Do you see what that is saying? It doesn’t mean a husband has a right to browbeat his wife or to crush her spirit. The verse speaks to the wife, and the onus is on her to “subject herself…” as a soldier subjects oneself. One verse says, “submit to your own husband IN THE LORD…” That means if your husband isn’t “IN THE LORD” (for instance, he wants to go rob a bank or something stupid like that), well, of course, you don’t listen to that or obey.

Is all this necessary? Listen – what my life is in God, I attribute to Kitty’s influence. I tell her all the time, “I never did any of this till I met you..” Isaiah prophesied, “a woman shall encompass a man…” There is something to that. Kitty encompasses me. She folds me into her godly, anointed femininity, and as one person said, she “makes me want to be a better man…” In 1 Sam. 25, a woman named Abigail spoke to the king in David when he was about to do a very foolish thing. He listened, and his destiny was secured.

Ladies, I don’t think that anyone, minister or no, has the right to tell you how to conduct yourself. Even if they did, you wouldn’t listen anyway because that is the day we live in. Like it or not, accountability is pretty much non-existent in society, and the church is not excluded. What you could do, however, is make up your mind if Eph. 5:24 belongs in your Bible. If not – get your laundry marker and blot that verse out of your personal canon of scripture. If you aren’t ready to do that, then ask the Father what Eph. 5:24 and other scriptures like it mean to you and how they apply. Then speak to the king in your husband. Encompass him with your God-ordained femininity. Speak to the king in him – and the fool in him will die. You might be pleasantly surprised to see what the dividends of such selflessness on your part might bring into your marriage.